Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
