i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
