hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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