Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
