I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
