I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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