Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
