I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The adults are the big ones right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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