I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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