Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
