I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize