I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
