i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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