how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
