Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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