and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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