She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
