I have demons in me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
