Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
