I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
