I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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