Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
