if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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