By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
