whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
