john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
