I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
