Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
