So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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