I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
