Sponge bath it is.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
