I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize