So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
