Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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