What tipped you off? The sombrero?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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