literally had 100 drinks last night.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
