At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
