Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
