Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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