you would pick up someone in the library
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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