the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
