R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize