Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
