My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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