im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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