don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
