I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
