i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
