I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
