Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
