You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
