Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize