4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
