I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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