Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
