You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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