What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
