I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Your dad touched me again.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What a dumb baby whore.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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