My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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